Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Howdy---
been super busy so I haven't been much of a post- happy girl these days.
Tucson is apparantly ranked #30 in Sperlings list of top 100 most stressful cities to exist in.
I think that must be accurate.
Cuz.... Damn.
Damn the man. I get stressed so easily these days. The Estrella war...fun moments, yes. Visiting with Glen and Lars...definately right up there. Sunday nite keeping Turik from leaving by chatting about jewelry and design ideas for outrageous naughty jewelry- that was great fun. I would share them here- but then where would the surprise be????
Alot of the war was surreal, because I felt as though I was playing hookie or slacking or *something*. I don't take alot of days off- it just isn't my way. I probably need them however...
because I don't know how to handle *not* being mentally occupied every second. When the time is there to think and be alone with my thoughts it simply sucks. I am dissatisfied with efforts when I am not physically in the process of doing them. I am not neurotic and full of self-doubt when I am busy-busy-busy. Is the answer to *always* keep myself busy, and adopt the "we're all fine here" thing? Or do I need to learn to have time to myself, to deal with lack of activity? Deal with the void? What? I dunno. I am so much happier when I feel productive and needed.
I felt absolutely useless at the war. I don't really have an SCA slot anymore. I don't feel as though the things I might do in that capacity would have any bearing in the "really-real" world.
I am growing up perhaps, and am focused on real-world goals. Things that have a place in reality.
People are still rude to me. For some absolutely stupid reason, I occasionally give a shit. Not as much as I used to, naturally. Thank the stars for that. It's amazing how it is somewhat freeing to have people think very little of you. It is only when you have lost everything that you are free to do anything....A Tyler quote that seems like a golden moment to me now.
Oh- while I am thinking about this... Mel Giffords... if you are reading this: You are incredible bitch. There. I said it. Why in the world would you give a remote shit as to anything occuring in my life? I don't know you, I never knew you. You are someone that one is civil to out of morbid curiosity. You feel compelled to talk to my friends about my "pathetic" life as though you are "so in the loop" that someone you don't even know is like an open book to you. You are rude. You are condescending-like your life is so much better? Major events in my life have been spoiled by you. Secrets spilled by you. My desire to have just a small group of friends that didn't think I was a doormat and a fool- ruined by you. Fuck- why would it even occur to you to tell my last group of friends that didn't know about something I had done. That I was embarrased to have done. Proved my falability by doing so. My humanity flayed open for all to see. The only reason you could tell Jae about all my dirt is that you were in a fetish store. That's right, you're a pervy lesbian who is only married to her husband right now because she needs the insurance. So don't throw rocks if your house is made of paint-on-body latex. Don't speak of me to Nicole or anyone else I know- you cunt. Just so it's clear... your sister is the pretty one *and* the smart one. I voted for her :)
Yeah- I'm done now.
Goodnight :) I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I hope Mel does a vanity search and finds this. If I run into her next time I'm in San Fran... she'll hear it from in person. In this particular case- I would say it to her. It's not my standard empty rant. Most of the time it is... just not *this* time.
-Lizzie Stardust
been super busy so I haven't been much of a post- happy girl these days.
Tucson is apparantly ranked #30 in Sperlings list of top 100 most stressful cities to exist in.
I think that must be accurate.
Cuz.... Damn.
Damn the man. I get stressed so easily these days. The Estrella war...fun moments, yes. Visiting with Glen and Lars...definately right up there. Sunday nite keeping Turik from leaving by chatting about jewelry and design ideas for outrageous naughty jewelry- that was great fun. I would share them here- but then where would the surprise be????
Alot of the war was surreal, because I felt as though I was playing hookie or slacking or *something*. I don't take alot of days off- it just isn't my way. I probably need them however...
because I don't know how to handle *not* being mentally occupied every second. When the time is there to think and be alone with my thoughts it simply sucks. I am dissatisfied with efforts when I am not physically in the process of doing them. I am not neurotic and full of self-doubt when I am busy-busy-busy. Is the answer to *always* keep myself busy, and adopt the "we're all fine here" thing? Or do I need to learn to have time to myself, to deal with lack of activity? Deal with the void? What? I dunno. I am so much happier when I feel productive and needed.
I felt absolutely useless at the war. I don't really have an SCA slot anymore. I don't feel as though the things I might do in that capacity would have any bearing in the "really-real" world.
I am growing up perhaps, and am focused on real-world goals. Things that have a place in reality.
People are still rude to me. For some absolutely stupid reason, I occasionally give a shit. Not as much as I used to, naturally. Thank the stars for that. It's amazing how it is somewhat freeing to have people think very little of you. It is only when you have lost everything that you are free to do anything....A Tyler quote that seems like a golden moment to me now.
Oh- while I am thinking about this... Mel Giffords... if you are reading this: You are incredible bitch. There. I said it. Why in the world would you give a remote shit as to anything occuring in my life? I don't know you, I never knew you. You are someone that one is civil to out of morbid curiosity. You feel compelled to talk to my friends about my "pathetic" life as though you are "so in the loop" that someone you don't even know is like an open book to you. You are rude. You are condescending-like your life is so much better? Major events in my life have been spoiled by you. Secrets spilled by you. My desire to have just a small group of friends that didn't think I was a doormat and a fool- ruined by you. Fuck- why would it even occur to you to tell my last group of friends that didn't know about something I had done. That I was embarrased to have done. Proved my falability by doing so. My humanity flayed open for all to see. The only reason you could tell Jae about all my dirt is that you were in a fetish store. That's right, you're a pervy lesbian who is only married to her husband right now because she needs the insurance. So don't throw rocks if your house is made of paint-on-body latex. Don't speak of me to Nicole or anyone else I know- you cunt. Just so it's clear... your sister is the pretty one *and* the smart one. I voted for her :)
Yeah- I'm done now.
Goodnight :) I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I hope Mel does a vanity search and finds this. If I run into her next time I'm in San Fran... she'll hear it from in person. In this particular case- I would say it to her. It's not my standard empty rant. Most of the time it is... just not *this* time.
-Lizzie Stardust
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