Saturday, December 04, 2004
It's all just terribly boring. So many * stoopid* little things to worry about and I am just bored with the whole lot of it. Dunno what to do with myself. Landlord (and leasing agent) are class A idiots and do not give a shit that I simply need to know what the fuck is going on. I don't care either way at this point what the fate of the shop is, whether I stay or go. I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK. I just want to know if I'm going to do another year or not. I want to sleep- I am so tired of juggling all this mess. Is it worth it? Is *any* of this worth it? Sooo I guess all of those self-rightious fucks out there can revel in it. I am tired. I feel defeated. Hope that makes them feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Have I been such a terrible person that I deserve this? If anything I have been a stupid person. I am like a little floating raft on the sea and whatever comes along and promises salvation- a way to dry land I GRAB ON. Even when I have the "it's too good to be true feeling" I get talked into it. Then I'm the fucking bad guy because I did what I was told. I really need to stop doing what I am told to do. I cannot fucking figure out whyI feel as though I have no say in the things that go on in my life. I am waaay too ... I guess "whatever you would prefer of me" about things. I aim to please everyone at the cost of having no real voice. I go along with things that I should not.I should be able to say NO when I want to. NO I don't want to stay in tonite. NO I don't want to go to that party. NO I want Pizza. Something as simple as Pizza-why do I do this? I am non-condemning when I should be. I should call a spade a spade sometimes. (BTW-that's a spade...tee hee)
The weather is so unbelievably fowl today. I am cold and miserable. Maybe I am even accomodating the weather. I'll go along... you are fowl so shall I be as well.I really am at the whim of whoever comes along. You thought you were machevelian in your plans to manipulate me? Ha! truth be told a 5 year old could have seen thru that crap. I just am not allowed to be contrary so I played my part and did what I was raised to do. Raised to believe that I am powerless and voiceless and polite. So fucking *Polite*. I am working on that "Fuck you attitude" still it doesn't seem to be taking permanent hold. I am so fluffy and big-like when I am ranting here, then it all goes away when faced with a confrontational situation and I am that ever so quiet and removed child again.
I find myself saying alot recently "This isn't who I am". This *isn't* who I am. I swear to Christ that I am meant for more. I have more things to do, high endeavors, things to do people to see, and all that BS. How the hell did I get into this mess? I (for once) put myself forward to take over this business bought and paid dearly for it. I did this to create a new life for what was then Elizabeth and James. I knew it was up to me- I was going to be the one to step up to the plate and provide. I have to tell you, I didn't mind either. I was ready- I liked having someone who needed me. I guess I feel like noone needs me. Shit- why do I feel like I *have* to have someone who depends on me. I can only imagine the answer is that I do not give a FUCK about myself. It's like cooking for one. If it's only me- I won't cook for just myself. In my brain, I am simply not important enough to cook a meal fo myself. WTF? Life seems to be the same way- If all I am worried about is myself- I'll worry, alright- but I won't make it happen. I will not be sucessful if it is only for me.
Well- that's the only rant I got in me today. Pathetic. I am drowning in an ocean of mediocrity... where's that next life preserver who will lie to me?
-Lizzie Stardust
Have I been such a terrible person that I deserve this? If anything I have been a stupid person. I am like a little floating raft on the sea and whatever comes along and promises salvation- a way to dry land I GRAB ON. Even when I have the "it's too good to be true feeling" I get talked into it. Then I'm the fucking bad guy because I did what I was told. I really need to stop doing what I am told to do. I cannot fucking figure out whyI feel as though I have no say in the things that go on in my life. I am waaay too ... I guess "whatever you would prefer of me" about things. I aim to please everyone at the cost of having no real voice. I go along with things that I should not.I should be able to say NO when I want to. NO I don't want to stay in tonite. NO I don't want to go to that party. NO I want Pizza. Something as simple as Pizza-why do I do this? I am non-condemning when I should be. I should call a spade a spade sometimes. (BTW-that's a spade...tee hee)
The weather is so unbelievably fowl today. I am cold and miserable. Maybe I am even accomodating the weather. I'll go along... you are fowl so shall I be as well.I really am at the whim of whoever comes along. You thought you were machevelian in your plans to manipulate me? Ha! truth be told a 5 year old could have seen thru that crap. I just am not allowed to be contrary so I played my part and did what I was raised to do. Raised to believe that I am powerless and voiceless and polite. So fucking *Polite*. I am working on that "Fuck you attitude" still it doesn't seem to be taking permanent hold. I am so fluffy and big-like when I am ranting here, then it all goes away when faced with a confrontational situation and I am that ever so quiet and removed child again.
I find myself saying alot recently "This isn't who I am". This *isn't* who I am. I swear to Christ that I am meant for more. I have more things to do, high endeavors, things to do people to see, and all that BS. How the hell did I get into this mess? I (for once) put myself forward to take over this business bought and paid dearly for it. I did this to create a new life for what was then Elizabeth and James. I knew it was up to me- I was going to be the one to step up to the plate and provide. I have to tell you, I didn't mind either. I was ready- I liked having someone who needed me. I guess I feel like noone needs me. Shit- why do I feel like I *have* to have someone who depends on me. I can only imagine the answer is that I do not give a FUCK about myself. It's like cooking for one. If it's only me- I won't cook for just myself. In my brain, I am simply not important enough to cook a meal fo myself. WTF? Life seems to be the same way- If all I am worried about is myself- I'll worry, alright- but I won't make it happen. I will not be sucessful if it is only for me.
Well- that's the only rant I got in me today. Pathetic. I am drowning in an ocean of mediocrity... where's that next life preserver who will lie to me?
-Lizzie Stardust
Comments:
When you get pissed off, you assert yourself better than anyone else I know. So maybe the answer is to get angry more, or at least indignant. Assert your right to be happy or have things your way for a change. I take it as a compliment, oddly, that you almost never acquise to me. You'll help me out, watch my back, tell me I'm great if I need to hear it, but you almost never kowtow to me, have you noticed? Probably because you know I don't expect it or that there will be no negative repurcussions. Do that with the rest of the universe and you will soon rule the planet as is your destiny :)
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