Friday, April 15, 2005
taking a little break from paperwork... Taxes... Blech...
well, brief update- the readers digest version...
- Cd single is complete and ready for the handing out :) Yay :)
- Saturday 4/16 have extremely cool fundraiser for Human Rights Campaign at my store
Running 2 stages and 8 acts that evening and also concessions.. all the money from the
back room goes to charity.(cover and concessions and auction)
Performing at the event as well- which I am a bit of a chicken-shit about. Natural for
me I'm afraid :) But hey, I'm doing it. Playing my acordion for the first time ever in
public.
Glad to be involved in something that has a positive impact on the real world around me
so many of the things that I spend my time doing are really pointless in the *grand* scheme
of things. This is a reality, something that I can atleast play a small role in, and feel good about.
- Got horribly screwed over by roomate previously thought to be godlike. Thought I had found
the best roomate in the world. Sadly, he stole things (clothes, jewelry, makeup, ect.) and had
a kilo of silver in his room. I wouldn't have even known about it (atleast not right away) if
Julie hadn't insisted in entering his room to retrieve valuable and only copy of manuscript.
out of denial (I had the whole "no, this isn't happening to me....this has got to be a mistake"
thing happening in my head) Kicked him out, he hadn't paid rent either... so he leaves me with
a $300 tab as well. Continued to say that he would pay me as he left... liar.
The big joke now, is that I don't even have good taste in gay men.... Funny, thanks...
- Chris is on tour with "Aida" for 3 weeks.
- Store is, well, same old same old. The 1st week of the month seems to be the good week- and the rest sucks. Par for the course right now. But I'm hanging in there. got some really great product right now, and just doing the best I can. Got a digital camera that I need to learn how to
use and then I can give the Ebay thing a really good try :)
-Lace had her *second* mass removal excursion, she seems no worse for the wear, however and her spirits are good. Very cuddly the last 2 days and needy. I like to be needed, however, so that works out.
-Ummm... that might be it. Holy cow, the DRAMA.
-Lizzie Stardust
well, brief update- the readers digest version...
- Cd single is complete and ready for the handing out :) Yay :)
- Saturday 4/16 have extremely cool fundraiser for Human Rights Campaign at my store
Running 2 stages and 8 acts that evening and also concessions.. all the money from the
back room goes to charity.(cover and concessions and auction)
Performing at the event as well- which I am a bit of a chicken-shit about. Natural for
me I'm afraid :) But hey, I'm doing it. Playing my acordion for the first time ever in
public.
Glad to be involved in something that has a positive impact on the real world around me
so many of the things that I spend my time doing are really pointless in the *grand* scheme
of things. This is a reality, something that I can atleast play a small role in, and feel good about.
- Got horribly screwed over by roomate previously thought to be godlike. Thought I had found
the best roomate in the world. Sadly, he stole things (clothes, jewelry, makeup, ect.) and had
a kilo of silver in his room. I wouldn't have even known about it (atleast not right away) if
Julie hadn't insisted in entering his room to retrieve valuable and only copy of manuscript.
I am exceedingly glad that she did and pointed out to me that posessions of mine were in his
room. She also walked me thru the process of getting my things *out* of his room and got meout of denial (I had the whole "no, this isn't happening to me....this has got to be a mistake"
thing happening in my head) Kicked him out, he hadn't paid rent either... so he leaves me with
a $300 tab as well. Continued to say that he would pay me as he left... liar.
The big joke now, is that I don't even have good taste in gay men.... Funny, thanks...
- Chris is on tour with "Aida" for 3 weeks.
- Store is, well, same old same old. The 1st week of the month seems to be the good week- and the rest sucks. Par for the course right now. But I'm hanging in there. got some really great product right now, and just doing the best I can. Got a digital camera that I need to learn how to
use and then I can give the Ebay thing a really good try :)
-Lace had her *second* mass removal excursion, she seems no worse for the wear, however and her spirits are good. Very cuddly the last 2 days and needy. I like to be needed, however, so that works out.
-Ummm... that might be it. Holy cow, the DRAMA.
-Lizzie Stardust
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Howdy---
been super busy so I haven't been much of a post- happy girl these days.
Tucson is apparantly ranked #30 in Sperlings list of top 100 most stressful cities to exist in.
I think that must be accurate.
Cuz.... Damn.
Damn the man. I get stressed so easily these days. The Estrella war...fun moments, yes. Visiting with Glen and Lars...definately right up there. Sunday nite keeping Turik from leaving by chatting about jewelry and design ideas for outrageous naughty jewelry- that was great fun. I would share them here- but then where would the surprise be????
Alot of the war was surreal, because I felt as though I was playing hookie or slacking or *something*. I don't take alot of days off- it just isn't my way. I probably need them however...
because I don't know how to handle *not* being mentally occupied every second. When the time is there to think and be alone with my thoughts it simply sucks. I am dissatisfied with efforts when I am not physically in the process of doing them. I am not neurotic and full of self-doubt when I am busy-busy-busy. Is the answer to *always* keep myself busy, and adopt the "we're all fine here" thing? Or do I need to learn to have time to myself, to deal with lack of activity? Deal with the void? What? I dunno. I am so much happier when I feel productive and needed.
I felt absolutely useless at the war. I don't really have an SCA slot anymore. I don't feel as though the things I might do in that capacity would have any bearing in the "really-real" world.
I am growing up perhaps, and am focused on real-world goals. Things that have a place in reality.
People are still rude to me. For some absolutely stupid reason, I occasionally give a shit. Not as much as I used to, naturally. Thank the stars for that. It's amazing how it is somewhat freeing to have people think very little of you. It is only when you have lost everything that you are free to do anything....A Tyler quote that seems like a golden moment to me now.
Oh- while I am thinking about this... Mel Giffords... if you are reading this: You are incredible bitch. There. I said it. Why in the world would you give a remote shit as to anything occuring in my life? I don't know you, I never knew you. You are someone that one is civil to out of morbid curiosity. You feel compelled to talk to my friends about my "pathetic" life as though you are "so in the loop" that someone you don't even know is like an open book to you. You are rude. You are condescending-like your life is so much better? Major events in my life have been spoiled by you. Secrets spilled by you. My desire to have just a small group of friends that didn't think I was a doormat and a fool- ruined by you. Fuck- why would it even occur to you to tell my last group of friends that didn't know about something I had done. That I was embarrased to have done. Proved my falability by doing so. My humanity flayed open for all to see. The only reason you could tell Jae about all my dirt is that you were in a fetish store. That's right, you're a pervy lesbian who is only married to her husband right now because she needs the insurance. So don't throw rocks if your house is made of paint-on-body latex. Don't speak of me to Nicole or anyone else I know- you cunt. Just so it's clear... your sister is the pretty one *and* the smart one. I voted for her :)
Yeah- I'm done now.
Goodnight :) I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I hope Mel does a vanity search and finds this. If I run into her next time I'm in San Fran... she'll hear it from in person. In this particular case- I would say it to her. It's not my standard empty rant. Most of the time it is... just not *this* time.
-Lizzie Stardust
been super busy so I haven't been much of a post- happy girl these days.
Tucson is apparantly ranked #30 in Sperlings list of top 100 most stressful cities to exist in.
I think that must be accurate.
Cuz.... Damn.
Damn the man. I get stressed so easily these days. The Estrella war...fun moments, yes. Visiting with Glen and Lars...definately right up there. Sunday nite keeping Turik from leaving by chatting about jewelry and design ideas for outrageous naughty jewelry- that was great fun. I would share them here- but then where would the surprise be????
Alot of the war was surreal, because I felt as though I was playing hookie or slacking or *something*. I don't take alot of days off- it just isn't my way. I probably need them however...
because I don't know how to handle *not* being mentally occupied every second. When the time is there to think and be alone with my thoughts it simply sucks. I am dissatisfied with efforts when I am not physically in the process of doing them. I am not neurotic and full of self-doubt when I am busy-busy-busy. Is the answer to *always* keep myself busy, and adopt the "we're all fine here" thing? Or do I need to learn to have time to myself, to deal with lack of activity? Deal with the void? What? I dunno. I am so much happier when I feel productive and needed.
I felt absolutely useless at the war. I don't really have an SCA slot anymore. I don't feel as though the things I might do in that capacity would have any bearing in the "really-real" world.
I am growing up perhaps, and am focused on real-world goals. Things that have a place in reality.
People are still rude to me. For some absolutely stupid reason, I occasionally give a shit. Not as much as I used to, naturally. Thank the stars for that. It's amazing how it is somewhat freeing to have people think very little of you. It is only when you have lost everything that you are free to do anything....A Tyler quote that seems like a golden moment to me now.
Oh- while I am thinking about this... Mel Giffords... if you are reading this: You are incredible bitch. There. I said it. Why in the world would you give a remote shit as to anything occuring in my life? I don't know you, I never knew you. You are someone that one is civil to out of morbid curiosity. You feel compelled to talk to my friends about my "pathetic" life as though you are "so in the loop" that someone you don't even know is like an open book to you. You are rude. You are condescending-like your life is so much better? Major events in my life have been spoiled by you. Secrets spilled by you. My desire to have just a small group of friends that didn't think I was a doormat and a fool- ruined by you. Fuck- why would it even occur to you to tell my last group of friends that didn't know about something I had done. That I was embarrased to have done. Proved my falability by doing so. My humanity flayed open for all to see. The only reason you could tell Jae about all my dirt is that you were in a fetish store. That's right, you're a pervy lesbian who is only married to her husband right now because she needs the insurance. So don't throw rocks if your house is made of paint-on-body latex. Don't speak of me to Nicole or anyone else I know- you cunt. Just so it's clear... your sister is the pretty one *and* the smart one. I voted for her :)
Yeah- I'm done now.
Goodnight :) I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I hope Mel does a vanity search and finds this. If I run into her next time I'm in San Fran... she'll hear it from in person. In this particular case- I would say it to her. It's not my standard empty rant. Most of the time it is... just not *this* time.
-Lizzie Stardust
Friday, December 24, 2004
Merry Giftmas and all that JAZZ....
I will be at the store *forever* today. I am quickly regretting the hours I made for today, and hope that there will be no drama at the store. I already had 2 really agressive homeless on my case yesterday asking me to give them money because it's christmas. I told them I don't even have gifts for my family, how could I gift them? They don't care, they think I am a "have" and not a "have not". I have nothing left in the end, I just have alot more bills than they do! I owe I owe, so off to work I go. I WORK, alot. I'm tired, ALL THE TIME. It just seems as though if I can work sometimes 80 hours a week- then they can surely work day labor of odd jobs or *something*. And the drug dealer that always asks me for change for the meter, or a ciggie, I really am so sick of him. I have an idea how much money that little fucker makes, and it's all tax free, and he has very little overhead. I am not giving him jack shit. Matter of fact- I'm not helping any of these people anymore. I came into this situation a much more naive person than I am today. You give a guy a buck because you believe this line he throws you- and an hour later you see him in the alley smoking CRACK. A little girl is asking for money for food, you bring her a grilled cheese sandwich, and she is too high to eat it and wasn't hungry at all. You give a guy who asks, a ciggie and later he is throwing lit matches at Marji- because she has no cigarettes to give him. You look the other way when there is a homeless guy sleeping in the alcove, "he's only there when I'm not here" or "Well, maybe it's a nicer alcove than the other ones on the street" And then he decides to PEE all over the front door and -I shit you not- in the mail slot of the store.
This Christmas- fuck em, Fuck the lot of em.Primavera foundation has beds and programs for those who *really* want off the street. But they do drug testing, so alot of people don't go. They have to want a new life, and a new way of doing things and a clean slate. Drug rehab is available, but some will never suceed in this endeavor. Some of the people on the street are there due to circumstances beyond their control- and I am sorry for those people. Most of our downtown homeless, seem to be homeless by choice. Freedom. I heard one call it Freedom. I'll take my nice warm prison or responsiblity and bills, work and ass-kissing, humiliation and embarassment, I don't need *that* kind of freedom, thankyou.
-Lizzie Stardust
I will be at the store *forever* today. I am quickly regretting the hours I made for today, and hope that there will be no drama at the store. I already had 2 really agressive homeless on my case yesterday asking me to give them money because it's christmas. I told them I don't even have gifts for my family, how could I gift them? They don't care, they think I am a "have" and not a "have not". I have nothing left in the end, I just have alot more bills than they do! I owe I owe, so off to work I go. I WORK, alot. I'm tired, ALL THE TIME. It just seems as though if I can work sometimes 80 hours a week- then they can surely work day labor of odd jobs or *something*. And the drug dealer that always asks me for change for the meter, or a ciggie, I really am so sick of him. I have an idea how much money that little fucker makes, and it's all tax free, and he has very little overhead. I am not giving him jack shit. Matter of fact- I'm not helping any of these people anymore. I came into this situation a much more naive person than I am today. You give a guy a buck because you believe this line he throws you- and an hour later you see him in the alley smoking CRACK. A little girl is asking for money for food, you bring her a grilled cheese sandwich, and she is too high to eat it and wasn't hungry at all. You give a guy who asks, a ciggie and later he is throwing lit matches at Marji- because she has no cigarettes to give him. You look the other way when there is a homeless guy sleeping in the alcove, "he's only there when I'm not here" or "Well, maybe it's a nicer alcove than the other ones on the street" And then he decides to PEE all over the front door and -I shit you not- in the mail slot of the store.
This Christmas- fuck em, Fuck the lot of em.Primavera foundation has beds and programs for those who *really* want off the street. But they do drug testing, so alot of people don't go. They have to want a new life, and a new way of doing things and a clean slate. Drug rehab is available, but some will never suceed in this endeavor. Some of the people on the street are there due to circumstances beyond their control- and I am sorry for those people. Most of our downtown homeless, seem to be homeless by choice. Freedom. I heard one call it Freedom. I'll take my nice warm prison or responsiblity and bills, work and ass-kissing, humiliation and embarassment, I don't need *that* kind of freedom, thankyou.
-Lizzie Stardust
Monday, December 06, 2004
Playing hookie today I guess.... the weather was a good excuse- but it's cleared up a bit and I still am not rushing in to work. I just can't face the inclimate weather and little to no sales. Maybe I am relishing a bit in the power of "I'm not going in today and noone can stop me, or fine me, or give me shit." Well, I suppose they could attempt to give me shit- I just probably wouldn't care.
In this time of doing absolutely *nothing* I have heard a little known Bowie fact.. or maybe it is the stuff of myth and legend or maybe it is true.
Mark David Chapman is the man who shot and killed John Lennon.This I knew( I was looking up some Lennon stuff because tonite I am recording a cover of "Happy X-mas- War is Over" with the Black Man Clay band ) What I *didn't* know is that His alternative target was none other than My lord and God Bowie. He had been to the production of the Elephant man that night and took a photo of Bowie and bragged to his girlfriend that he could have killed either man. The Program was in his apt with Bowie's name circled. If John Lennon had not emerged from the studio that night, Bowie might be dead. I remember back in HS, Corbid and myself in the courtyard wishing that John had opted to sleep in the studio or keep recording, or not have recorded at all that night. Now it is a confusing Butterfly Effect type of thing... if John hadn't died would Bowie be dead?AAARGH.. how would one choose? Or perhaps it's a Hitler situation- if I found myself suddenly behind this man with a loaded gun I would have to shoot. What are we missing from our musical history because John was stolen from everyone? How would my life have been different if Bowie was gone? Dec 8th 1980.... No Labyrinth. eeek. No Lizzie Stardust I'm sure of that because Labyrinth was my awakening to Bowie. eeek. NO voice lessons. No theatre. Wow. What a crime not to have Lennon, though. Damn.
-Lizzie Stardust
In this time of doing absolutely *nothing* I have heard a little known Bowie fact.. or maybe it is the stuff of myth and legend or maybe it is true.
Mark David Chapman is the man who shot and killed John Lennon.This I knew( I was looking up some Lennon stuff because tonite I am recording a cover of "Happy X-mas- War is Over" with the Black Man Clay band ) What I *didn't* know is that His alternative target was none other than My lord and God Bowie. He had been to the production of the Elephant man that night and took a photo of Bowie and bragged to his girlfriend that he could have killed either man. The Program was in his apt with Bowie's name circled. If John Lennon had not emerged from the studio that night, Bowie might be dead. I remember back in HS, Corbid and myself in the courtyard wishing that John had opted to sleep in the studio or keep recording, or not have recorded at all that night. Now it is a confusing Butterfly Effect type of thing... if John hadn't died would Bowie be dead?AAARGH.. how would one choose? Or perhaps it's a Hitler situation- if I found myself suddenly behind this man with a loaded gun I would have to shoot. What are we missing from our musical history because John was stolen from everyone? How would my life have been different if Bowie was gone? Dec 8th 1980.... No Labyrinth. eeek. No Lizzie Stardust I'm sure of that because Labyrinth was my awakening to Bowie. eeek. NO voice lessons. No theatre. Wow. What a crime not to have Lennon, though. Damn.
-Lizzie Stardust
Saturday, December 04, 2004
It's all just terribly boring. So many * stoopid* little things to worry about and I am just bored with the whole lot of it. Dunno what to do with myself. Landlord (and leasing agent) are class A idiots and do not give a shit that I simply need to know what the fuck is going on. I don't care either way at this point what the fate of the shop is, whether I stay or go. I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK. I just want to know if I'm going to do another year or not. I want to sleep- I am so tired of juggling all this mess. Is it worth it? Is *any* of this worth it? Sooo I guess all of those self-rightious fucks out there can revel in it. I am tired. I feel defeated. Hope that makes them feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Have I been such a terrible person that I deserve this? If anything I have been a stupid person. I am like a little floating raft on the sea and whatever comes along and promises salvation- a way to dry land I GRAB ON. Even when I have the "it's too good to be true feeling" I get talked into it. Then I'm the fucking bad guy because I did what I was told. I really need to stop doing what I am told to do. I cannot fucking figure out whyI feel as though I have no say in the things that go on in my life. I am waaay too ... I guess "whatever you would prefer of me" about things. I aim to please everyone at the cost of having no real voice. I go along with things that I should not.I should be able to say NO when I want to. NO I don't want to stay in tonite. NO I don't want to go to that party. NO I want Pizza. Something as simple as Pizza-why do I do this? I am non-condemning when I should be. I should call a spade a spade sometimes. (BTW-that's a spade...tee hee)
The weather is so unbelievably fowl today. I am cold and miserable. Maybe I am even accomodating the weather. I'll go along... you are fowl so shall I be as well.I really am at the whim of whoever comes along. You thought you were machevelian in your plans to manipulate me? Ha! truth be told a 5 year old could have seen thru that crap. I just am not allowed to be contrary so I played my part and did what I was raised to do. Raised to believe that I am powerless and voiceless and polite. So fucking *Polite*. I am working on that "Fuck you attitude" still it doesn't seem to be taking permanent hold. I am so fluffy and big-like when I am ranting here, then it all goes away when faced with a confrontational situation and I am that ever so quiet and removed child again.
I find myself saying alot recently "This isn't who I am". This *isn't* who I am. I swear to Christ that I am meant for more. I have more things to do, high endeavors, things to do people to see, and all that BS. How the hell did I get into this mess? I (for once) put myself forward to take over this business bought and paid dearly for it. I did this to create a new life for what was then Elizabeth and James. I knew it was up to me- I was going to be the one to step up to the plate and provide. I have to tell you, I didn't mind either. I was ready- I liked having someone who needed me. I guess I feel like noone needs me. Shit- why do I feel like I *have* to have someone who depends on me. I can only imagine the answer is that I do not give a FUCK about myself. It's like cooking for one. If it's only me- I won't cook for just myself. In my brain, I am simply not important enough to cook a meal fo myself. WTF? Life seems to be the same way- If all I am worried about is myself- I'll worry, alright- but I won't make it happen. I will not be sucessful if it is only for me.
Well- that's the only rant I got in me today. Pathetic. I am drowning in an ocean of mediocrity... where's that next life preserver who will lie to me?
-Lizzie Stardust
Have I been such a terrible person that I deserve this? If anything I have been a stupid person. I am like a little floating raft on the sea and whatever comes along and promises salvation- a way to dry land I GRAB ON. Even when I have the "it's too good to be true feeling" I get talked into it. Then I'm the fucking bad guy because I did what I was told. I really need to stop doing what I am told to do. I cannot fucking figure out whyI feel as though I have no say in the things that go on in my life. I am waaay too ... I guess "whatever you would prefer of me" about things. I aim to please everyone at the cost of having no real voice. I go along with things that I should not.I should be able to say NO when I want to. NO I don't want to stay in tonite. NO I don't want to go to that party. NO I want Pizza. Something as simple as Pizza-why do I do this? I am non-condemning when I should be. I should call a spade a spade sometimes. (BTW-that's a spade...tee hee)
The weather is so unbelievably fowl today. I am cold and miserable. Maybe I am even accomodating the weather. I'll go along... you are fowl so shall I be as well.I really am at the whim of whoever comes along. You thought you were machevelian in your plans to manipulate me? Ha! truth be told a 5 year old could have seen thru that crap. I just am not allowed to be contrary so I played my part and did what I was raised to do. Raised to believe that I am powerless and voiceless and polite. So fucking *Polite*. I am working on that "Fuck you attitude" still it doesn't seem to be taking permanent hold. I am so fluffy and big-like when I am ranting here, then it all goes away when faced with a confrontational situation and I am that ever so quiet and removed child again.
I find myself saying alot recently "This isn't who I am". This *isn't* who I am. I swear to Christ that I am meant for more. I have more things to do, high endeavors, things to do people to see, and all that BS. How the hell did I get into this mess? I (for once) put myself forward to take over this business bought and paid dearly for it. I did this to create a new life for what was then Elizabeth and James. I knew it was up to me- I was going to be the one to step up to the plate and provide. I have to tell you, I didn't mind either. I was ready- I liked having someone who needed me. I guess I feel like noone needs me. Shit- why do I feel like I *have* to have someone who depends on me. I can only imagine the answer is that I do not give a FUCK about myself. It's like cooking for one. If it's only me- I won't cook for just myself. In my brain, I am simply not important enough to cook a meal fo myself. WTF? Life seems to be the same way- If all I am worried about is myself- I'll worry, alright- but I won't make it happen. I will not be sucessful if it is only for me.
Well- that's the only rant I got in me today. Pathetic. I am drowning in an ocean of mediocrity... where's that next life preserver who will lie to me?
-Lizzie Stardust
Thursday, November 25, 2004
I am thankful...
Because this year has been my most challenging thus far friends were curious as to what I might be thankful for. No matter how bad things are they can *always* get worse. Sooo....I am thankful.
Thankful that I have options.
Thankful that I am versitile and open to change.
Thankful that I went to college.
Thankful that I have no children to support.
Thankful that I have a house to live in that is mine.
Thankful for my dogs and the love they show me every day.
I am even thankful for that little monster of a cat that is a ticking time bomb of fury.
The little cuddle bug Andromeda and how she made her way back to me- though I thought I had lost her forever.
I am thankful that those that would oppose me and seek to destroy me have so much else on their plate that they have (thankfully) left me alone- if only for awhile.
I am thankful for the beloved minions and the breath of fresh air that they are.
I am thankful for the opportunity to watch the most important year of 6 kids lives and watch how they make those important decisions that will change the course of their lives forever.
I am thankful for the oportunity to have a positive impact on this process.
I am thankful that my parents still love me.
I am thankful that the Chrisfullone is in my life.
I am especially thankful that we got to spend thanksgiving together.
I am thankful for being stuborn and trying my best and not giving up.
I am thankful for the knowledge that I gave many things the best I had- even if it wasn't enough.
I am thankful to be where I'm at and not worse off like the people I encounter downtown on a daily basis.
I am thankful that I am sentient and a deep thinker. I am actually thankful to have had my "golden moment" and emerged who I am today.
I am thankful to be who I am- the sum of all my experiences and choices. For good or ill, I made them and *most* of them were for good.
I am thankful to be alive and living in the greatest country civilization has created. (This era of bush is a faze.. much like my pink hair was in the late 90's....I still love my country. I just fear my government)
So yeah- life has run me thru the wash cycle. Maybe I needed it. Maybe I had things too easy, and needed to be shaken up a bit. I'm actually happier now that I don't have money to throw around. I'm much more careful how I spend now, and think that is for the best. Lessons to be learned shall be learned. I swear it will be done.
-Lizzie
Because this year has been my most challenging thus far friends were curious as to what I might be thankful for. No matter how bad things are they can *always* get worse. Sooo....I am thankful.
Thankful that I have options.
Thankful that I am versitile and open to change.
Thankful that I went to college.
Thankful that I have no children to support.
Thankful that I have a house to live in that is mine.
Thankful for my dogs and the love they show me every day.
I am even thankful for that little monster of a cat that is a ticking time bomb of fury.
The little cuddle bug Andromeda and how she made her way back to me- though I thought I had lost her forever.
I am thankful that those that would oppose me and seek to destroy me have so much else on their plate that they have (thankfully) left me alone- if only for awhile.
I am thankful for the beloved minions and the breath of fresh air that they are.
I am thankful for the opportunity to watch the most important year of 6 kids lives and watch how they make those important decisions that will change the course of their lives forever.
I am thankful for the oportunity to have a positive impact on this process.
I am thankful that my parents still love me.
I am thankful that the Chrisfullone is in my life.
I am especially thankful that we got to spend thanksgiving together.
I am thankful for being stuborn and trying my best and not giving up.
I am thankful for the knowledge that I gave many things the best I had- even if it wasn't enough.
I am thankful to be where I'm at and not worse off like the people I encounter downtown on a daily basis.
I am thankful that I am sentient and a deep thinker. I am actually thankful to have had my "golden moment" and emerged who I am today.
I am thankful to be who I am- the sum of all my experiences and choices. For good or ill, I made them and *most* of them were for good.
I am thankful to be alive and living in the greatest country civilization has created. (This era of bush is a faze.. much like my pink hair was in the late 90's....I still love my country. I just fear my government)
So yeah- life has run me thru the wash cycle. Maybe I needed it. Maybe I had things too easy, and needed to be shaken up a bit. I'm actually happier now that I don't have money to throw around. I'm much more careful how I spend now, and think that is for the best. Lessons to be learned shall be learned. I swear it will be done.
-Lizzie
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
This world is the devil I never believed in
The inferno I'll burn in
The steel trap I was always praised for
stupid intellect
infernal poison and prison
Let it begin to be light
I miss that warmth
that success brings
I want my mind to feel comfortable again.
I want this curse to end
O to feel so wronged and so put upon
is old
and and a bore
and not at all who I am
To suffer while the gilt of those who should be dead
continues to grow
I am moth-eaten by that misery
and shut away like an unwanted relatives wedding dress
Or my own
The devil is here- The one I never believed in-
In every failure
In every futile effort
In every broken dream
and mislaid plan
I swear this is not who I am...really
The inferno I'll burn in
The steel trap I was always praised for
stupid intellect
infernal poison and prison
Let it begin to be light
I miss that warmth
that success brings
I want my mind to feel comfortable again.
I want this curse to end
O to feel so wronged and so put upon
is old
and and a bore
and not at all who I am
To suffer while the gilt of those who should be dead
continues to grow
I am moth-eaten by that misery
and shut away like an unwanted relatives wedding dress
Or my own
The devil is here- The one I never believed in-
In every failure
In every futile effort
In every broken dream
and mislaid plan
I swear this is not who I am...really
